My apologies first for missing out the last 3 weeks. I have a couple of new projects coming up, one that will be made public in the coming weeks, and they have been taking up more than their far share of my time. No fret my pet, I have more things coming down the pike which I for one am excited about!!!

Before I introduce everyone to Saundra, first, a little background. I am a fan of RuPaul’s Drag Race. A huge fan. I love watching the show because his and the other judge’s critiques are there to better the contestant. They have all grown through the years and have turned a televised high-stakes contest into a bit of therapy for the contestants and the audience. There are many original aspects to each show season, and there is always a twist, but the show has evolved and kept the best parts of itself. One of the best parts is when RuPaul holds up a picture of the queen as a young child and then asks the queen to say any words of advice they have for their younger self, as represented by the picture. This shows the younger viewers that although life seems horrendous at different points, it does get better. These are very valuable words, and by valuable, these words could have saved me thousands in therapy, but I digress.

One thing that RuPaul talks about frequently during her one-on-ones with the queens is their “Inner Saboteur.” This voice in your head tells you that you are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, confident enough, and any and all other negative self-talk our minds engage. RuPaul teaches about silencing your Inner Saboteur in many ways. Some queens choose to give it a name. I have done this also. I picked the name Saundra because it combines two names of people who contributed to the darkest period of my life. No more details about these two vile humans will be discussed as they do not warrant any more ink.

Now, you may be asking yourself “Why on earth would you name your inner saboteur and why on earth would you name it to remind you of two people that have caused do much anguish?” Well, at least that is what my wife asked me. The reason is simple. There is no greater satisfaction I get then telling that evil little voice in my head to “Shut up Saundra.” Saundra wants to make me feel bad for what I didn’t accomplish, even though I worked twelve hours? Shut up Saundra. I didn’t get the grade I was hoping to in my class even though I put forth the effort. Maybe I am not smart enough and I am in over my head? Shut up Saundra. A writer writes and you have missed weeks of not writing. You are just a poser. Shut up Saundra.

It took a long time to realize that not only do I try to portray myself as a hard worker and a hustler, I always felt like it was not enough. With few exceptions, my employers played on that fear of not being enough and manipulated me into working harder for less respect. I would get passed over for raises or given such insignificant raises, it would push me to work harder and harder to the point of exhaustion. I would go home and be unable to fall asleep due to the stress, and when I would finally fall asleep about 5 hours before I was due in back at my desk, it would be fitful, full of nightmares, and I would wake up feeling more exhausted than when I finally fell into my restless sleep. I would go in to work the next day feeling even worse because I knew there would be no way I would be on top of my game for my next workday. If I wasn’t on the top of my game, I could make an error and then I would have to deal with the consequences.

You see, having an inner saboteur is not just about silencing a voice in your head. It is about changing how you see the world and what voice in your head you do listen to. This takes learning and even brain training. Think of it this way, when we were babies, we had a very narcissistic view of the world. The world revolves around us and that is why children have such intense hissy fits sometimes because they are living a world they don’t understand as far as on a functionary level and it is distressing. We learn how to successfully navigate this world to become better humans. We can do the same thing with our inner saboteur. Just because our minds tell us we aren’t good enough, we have to listen to the other voices that tell us we are. They are all there. It is just the Inner Saboteur seems to have the biggest mouth. Makes me wonder if all Inner Saboteurs are red heads from Baltimore, lol. After all we are hard to silence, have big mouths, and say things that we shouldn’t.

Until next week, EGA!!!!!